Author Archive: Nikki

We were still close enough to the freeway that when a semi-truck passed it would make the whole car vibrate. Rectangles of white headlight came through the back window and then passed, quickly, along the length of the interior wall, illuminating Jake’s face and body so that I saw him like an old fashioned filmstrip, in rapidly cycling frames.

I know you loved me more than anything. You taught me that the only way to love is unconditionally. You explained so much. I argued even when I knew you were right because that is how I was. That is how I am. You told me your heart is on the left.

I know how this works. I know how indecision pushes him to dilute his implications. I know all this shit very well. I like to say “let’s play it by ear.” He likes to say “let’s go with the flow.” It’s my fault. I’m too easily drawn into fantasy and expectation these days. I want to find meaning in…continue reading.

Last night at the bar when Jason began flirting with me, I tried to stay cool and unresponsive.  But then I started looking at his mouth as he spoke and how his hands moved and I knew we were going to fuck. I followed him back to an old apartment building at the base of…continue reading.

The nostalgia was so sharp and so strong today. I was walking East on Sunset to meet my friend for lunch at the Rainbow when I passed a group of teenagers asking for spare change. I saw their smiles and tired eyes and then I smelled it. Hangover sweat: sweet and rancid, rotten chemical residue escaping…continue reading.

I saw Johnny’s head for the first time that night. He followed me into the bedroom, sat on the bed and took off his baseball cap. Underneath he was wearing a blue stretchy skullcap. I watched as he pulled it off slowly. He looked away. This was a routine for him that only became nerve-wracking…continue reading.

I remember sitting in a movie theater in the middle of a Hitchcock double feature. I think it was Rear Window. My friend from school Jenna was sitting to my right. We were 16. We were transfixed. Then just as Jimmy Stewart was beginning to sink into voyeuristic compulsion I felt something against my left…continue reading.