Diary

I’ve been bad. I deserve to be punished. So I lie in a dog’s cage naked, on my side with legs curled up, pondering my transgression. I’m wearing only the chain leash attached to my rhinestone-studded collar, and a thick blindfold.

I know you loved me more than anything. You taught me that the only way to love is unconditionally. You explained so much. I argued even when I knew you were right because that is how I was. That is how I am. You told me your heart is on the left.

Sir M laid down the floggers he’d just used on my back. I was blindfolded and chained up on the Saint Andrew’s cross. The sounds of chatter drifted in through the window but inside the purple room was fairly silent. I breathed deeply to prepare mentally and physically for the next round of beatings.

I clearly have a hard time staying away from this man, but I’m no longer fighting it. When we merge, we merge. When we part, we part. The parting is never for too long. All our circles and triangles keep us coming back for more. We’re in an endless game of chess, Lucas and I. I know when to let him win, and he knows when to let me lose.

As you might have guessed, my sexual fantasies involve some very dirty things, and phone sex never made that list. I mean, jerking off to a girl’s voice? Isn’t that for people who are addicted to 900 numbers? Those perverts.

The “under consideration” period in the BDSM world is something like a trial period or an engagement. It could take any length of time and Sir M does not have a formal procedure in place. The desired outcome of being under consideration is that he will grant my petition to become his personal submissive.

I walked in the dungeon party and saw him sauntering behind a wild-haired girl who was restrained by wrists and ankles to a wood frame. She was lovely, with a curvy figure and a retro pin-up girl look. He studied his target and snapped a leather strap at her back and thighs with well-placed strikes.

“Daisy is the only person who’s ever managed to make me come from a blow job,” he said. Sudden silence. Both porn stars’ eyes went wide with amazement and all eyes were on me. The porn director glowed with a new-found respect for me. I could feel my cheeks burning, uncomfortable to suddenly be the center of attention of this flamboyant group.

He was still waiting for a conclusion. But I could not give it to him any more than I could give it to you now. You have to go back, far back, to understand the root of the issue. Because it doesn’t start with a lobbyist or a congressman. It doesn’t even start with the United States.

The last time I saw Sir M he asked me how things were going with me. I told him sheepishly that the night before I’d made a mistake. He had put me on abstinence from having any sex or orgasms at all for a week. I’d managed to stick to this for nearly the whole week, but had played with myself the night before, got carried away and had a shuddering orgasm.