Bloodlust Productions is an online shop that works in props and special effects, bringing their talents with silicone and latex to the consumer through swimwear, clothing and accessories. Two years ago they debuted this horrific beauty, based on the occult magic textbook Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, which appears as the antagonist in the Evil Dead movie franchise.

Maybe your schedules don’t coincide right now. Or maybe he’s on business a lot these days. Or maybe you are. Whatever the situation, there is no reason for a woman to miss out in waking in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Introducing the Little Rooster ($69.00), because nothing says “cock-a-doodle-doo!” like an alarm cock — err — an alarm clock that pleasures you awake.

It’s been hyped for its alleged anti-depressant properties. It’s been featured prominently in cookbooks and mixology texts. The late Helen Gurley Brown, then editor-in-chief at Cosmopolitan, recommended that women use it to diminish the appearance of wrinkles. And now, it comes in lube form, complete with realistic smell and texture.

You know how awesome it is to go to bed with someone, cozy under the covers in a post-coital haze, the only sound in the room the hum of the air-conditioner turned full-blast… until your arm falls asleep? Well, no more. Mehdi Mojtabavi’s Cuddle Mattress, created of a series of modules, is built to give every body the nooks and crannies it needs to stash your wayward limbs.

This fear of losing everything because, on their way up the ladder, a person used the sex industry as a rung is very, very real. When you’re living day to day on a visa of peace that could expire at any time because some asshole walked into your club with a pair of Glass and put your set on YouTube, you’re not going to sit around worrying about how much this country is starting to resemble the Soviet Union. This isn’t because you’re petty. This is because when you’re this afraid, this vulnerable, when you have so little recourse, you pretty much already live in the Soviet Union.

A porn parody seeking to bring back a natural look! What are the odds of that? Actually, the odds are pretty high given we’re talking about the Harry Potter porn parody ‘Hairy Twatter: In Search of Bush.’ The erotic fan-fic around this movie franchise is so well-established at this point, Dreamzone literally had thousands — if not millions — of incredible stories online from which to draw inspiration. And yet here is their offering: it’s silly, lacking in creativity, not sexy and even creepy.

Afraid your spouse might cheat? Boy, have we got a solution for you! The Cheeky has crafted an anti-cheating wedding band that will completely foil their plans to step out on you! How does it work? Glad you asked! The $550 dollar titanium ring (take that DeBeers!) is negatively engraved on the inside with the words I’M MARRIED, so even if your cheating louse of a spouse takes the ring off, everyone can still tell that he or she is off the market. Fidelity assured!

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, we’re racking our brains to offer you some ideas. Today, while procrastinating on another article, we happened to encounter this beauty from Les Jeux Du Marquis, a company we mentioned a couple of posts ago when we were gushing about the new ainsley-t boot. For $480, you can…continue reading.

By all indications, the Adult Video News (AVN) Awards were a train wreck, so thank God you weren’t there. We’d say we braved the madness for you, but that would be a blatant lie. We had an epic weekend and picked up the press release when we got home. Lazy blogging — it’s an art. In any event, here’s a run down of the award-winning accouterments, because if you’re anything like us, you’re always on the market to take things up a notch.

Maybe you have no balls and can’t really offer a statement less vague than “this isn’t working.” Maybe you have and she just refuses to honor the breakup. Whatever the case (and yes, we’re totally judging you, as failure to disengage is a far more heinous crime than failure to engage), it’s time to call on your super douchebag powers. ​We have just the weapon for the task.