The season is upon us and everyone is busy writing guides to help you navigate the complex rituals of appropriate gift-giving. Every occasion calls for a specific thing, which is precisely why the blog, The Worst Things for Sale, exists. Face it, some stockings deserve a lump of coal, and here is the best lump we’ve ever seen.

In August, Russian officials issued an edict against anything that struck, in their opinion, as a “nontraditional” relationship, citing concern for the easily corruptible minds of Russian children. This gay ban was met with a great deal of protest from lesbian, gay, bisexual and transexual allies and activists and now, the group FCKH8, best known for manufacturing gay marriage equality t-shirts, has stepped up with a coloring book for children depicting the story of little Misha, a little boy with two moms. It’s the most heart-breaking thing you’ll ever see.

From “the waltz of sloths” to “the interrupted congress,” The Married Kama Sutra illustrates the lives of contemporary married couples as they strive to keep the spark alive — and the dishwasher properly loaded, as the authors joke. The text is filled with such jokes, as well as illustrations in the style of the original Kama Sutra — updated to include modern, domestic phenomena: gadgets, pharmaceuticals, wine by the box, and overparenting. It’s utterly demoralizing.

From tentacle porn to the success of vampire romance, inter-species sex has slowly made its way from the unspeakable corners of our minds to the spotlight. Today it occupies a place almost as mundane as nurse and teacher fantasies. But how did dinosaurs (and pterosaurs, which are not technically dinosaurs) get into it? Science goes deep into the most perverse corners of two authors’ minds and a decade-old porn flick-turned-shock video.

Sex educator Allison Moon is working on a book for queer women, lesbians, bisexuals and those who might be curious. Part story, part how-to guide, this book emphasizes pleasure-positive and consent-oriented sex, and is filled with the insights of over 15 other sex educators such as Tristan Taormino, Reid Mihalko and Carol Queen. It’s being illustrated by kd diamond, founder of the queer and beautifully-illustrated Salacious magazine. But the two need your help to make it happen!

“A person who gives themselves permission to enter this state of erotic rebellion is an anathema to the fabric of social order, since none of the rewards that society can offer them have any value in that moment,” writes erotica author Remittance Girl in her critical essay distinguishing between Erotica and Erotic Romance. “They are in a state of revolution against the stable, against categorization, against limitation, against even language itself. And this is what lies at the heart of all the best erotica. This essentially transgressive, anarchic, unconstrained state of being.”

In 1957, Virginia E. Johnson was a twice-divorced mother in her 30s, looking for a way to support her children. She responded for an add posted by William H. Masters looking for a research assistant at Washington University in St. Louis. Johnson was hired by Masters, then at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Neither of them had any way of knowing at the time that they would go down in history for helping postwar America to discuss sex frankly.

A few weeks ago, the line of sex toys inspired by the runaway erotic best-selling Fifty Shades trilogy finally landed in the U.S., and they’ve taken up at almost every imaginable retailer online and off. The toys, called the Pleasure Collection, are, of course, named with the books in mind — oh yeah, just what you always wanted! Inner Goddess Silver Balls and Twitchy Palm Spanking Paddle!

In this clip, Josh Robert Thompson imitates the voice of Morgan Freeman while reading excerpts from the popular ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and offering his own commentary. Here’s a sample: “There are some sick people in this world. I cannot honestly believe people read this crap. ‘Do you want the regular, vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?’ My mouth drops open. ‘Kinky fuckery?'”

Whatever I may think about Cosmopolitan now — and even some of the ideas in this book — it’s impossible to deny that Helen Gurley Brown took a machete to the notion that women needed marriage to be fulfilled. I respect that immensely. Get a job, get your own place, screw the idea that you need anyone, make time for your self, take care of your body, have the epic sex you deserve. Yes. We had our differences, but in that, she and I were on the same page.