Regarding That Google Exec’s ‘Sex’ Penthouse

Poor Eric Schmidt. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — Google’s executive chairman, worth a reported 8.2 billion dollars, is anything but. But, no, seriously: the vulture culture can’t leave alone the fact that the guy bought the penthouse of everyone’s dreams, a four-bedroom 6,250-square-foot New York apartment with a 3,300-square-foot terrace and a private elevator.

Surely this has nothing to do with the fact that Schmidt might wish to entertain a sizable number of pertinent people when he’s in New York — no, no! Clearly he needs an enormous apartment to keep his affairs on the hush-hush.

Yes! says the New York Post. The evidence: Schmidt has spent millions getting the place soundproofed! He must be up to some kinky shenanigans in there!

Relevant: Schmidt’s other residence is in Atherton, California.

Quick question: have you been to Atherton? People call the police when birds chirp. No, really. They do. Read this. I’ll wait.

You’re back. I’m glad you didn’t die laughing. Now you understand how anyone who’s lived in Atherton for more than a minute is going to think New York is noisy as all get out and want to soundproof the hell out of any property he or she has acquired there.

And if you ever plan on having anyone over — and at this size of a crash pad, you probably are, and in the hundreds and all at once — you’re going to want to make sure you don’t give neighbors cause for intruding on your fun times.

But, you know, a story like that doesn’t sell papers. It’s much more interesting to be like, “OMG! Eric Schmidt has a SEX PENTHOUSE!”

God help him if word ever gets out that someone working on his new digs has gone to the hardware store. I can see it now: GOOGE EXEC BUILDS RED ROOM OF PAIN.

And you wonder why Google is so scared of an app that lets Glass users stream their homemade escapades? Stop making the possibility that people might enjoy sex into scandal fodder. Until we can do that, sex will always carry stigma.