On Hands And Knees In Disney’s Underbelly

Last week, I received a curious e-mail from a man named Chris Mitchell who told me he had secrets about the Magic Kingdom–dark, stormy secrets, the kind we here at Sex and the 405 are all about.

Mitchell had worked at the Orlando theme park for a year as an official photog.

Now, he’s coming out with the stories he heard on the field, a sort of incredible expose that will change our notions of the Magic Kingdom forever.

On the day before Christmas, another e-mail arrived from Mitchell, this one containing a chapter of his book, Cast Member Confidential.

“The lawyers who work for my publisher made me edit this one pretty heavily, but I’m sending the unexpurgated version…” he wrote.

And like a good girl, I waited until Christmas to open the gift.

Three in the morning, there I sat at my desk, cigarette freshly lit, and opened “The Bear Necessities.” Enjoy, with the proper mixture of delight and horror, as I did:

For ten years, Brady was the pride of the character department: Chip, Dale, Quasimodo. He brought Roger Rabbit to life in a way that no other performer could match. But, by far, his favorite was Winnie the Pooh with his bashful smile and his honey colored fur and his pot belly that was just big enough to jack off inside.

“What flavor today, Brady?” one Pooh coming off stage would ask.

Brady would pull the ubiquitous sucker out of his mouth and smack his lips. “Butterscotch,” he would say, then the greeter would Velcro him in to the suit and he would shuffle on stage, his crooked leg giving Pooh a comical gait.

This was the late-nineties, when Pooh wore a honey pot on his head with bees flying around it. A performer could pull his arms inside the costume to wiggle the bear’s nose and then push them back into the paws to sign autographs. Or, at least that was the original plan.

Brady liked to pull his underwear down around his thighs and hold his balls. He’d walk around like that for a while, then lift his fingers to his face and sniff them. The scent of his musk and the sheer naughtiness of the escapade broke over him in waves of arousal and he would stroke himself off right there, in front of everybody, where nobody could see.

How could he? How could he masturbate and sign autographs and pose for photos without losing focus or breaking character? Surely, that kind of multitasking required supernatural concentration. Simple. He could do it because he was, above all, a professional. He knew the choreography by heart and was able to do the dance steps in his sleep. He could sign with one hand, sniff the other and wiggle Pooh’s nose with his elbow. Since Pooh is a right-handed character, Brady became adept at jerking with his left hand. After all, it wasn’t like there was a whole lot else for him to do inside that suit for thirty minutes straight.

The lollipops were perfect for covering up the smells around his fingers and face. Some days he used cinnamon, some days spearmint. And every night, when he turned in his costume, the wardrobe department dutifully washed away the seminal fluids.

One day, Brady went to pick up his Pooh costume, and received a shock.

“It’s a new design,” beamed the wardrobe lady. “Isn’t this an adorable face?”

One look at the new body confirmed the worst for Brady. “Arms,” he said. “It’s got actual arms.”

“Yes, he does! Oh yes he does! The cute widdle bear has arms!

Brady was crestfallen. The new design meant he would not be able to pull his hands inside the pot belly. It wasn’t like he was going to leave the character program or anything, but he felt gypped. Ball fondling had been his hard-earned perk. For three years, he coasted along in the character program, picking up new characters, learning animation for parades and autograph sessions. And then, one day, salvation came in the form of Monsters Inc.

One of the stars of Monsters Inc., Mike Wyszowski, fell right into Brady’s height range. Basically, a giant eyeball with stick legs, Mike Wyszowski was shaped in such a way that the performer had to keep his arms inside the costume at all times. He could eat a burrito in there if he wanted to, or check his voice mail, or, yes, even jack off.

Once again, going to work was a treat. A day of Mike Wyszowski was better than any day off – imagine doing the one thing you truly love and getting paid for it! Plus, consistent with tried and true marketing techniques, every day from the opening of the movie until the DVD release, the coordinators scheduled a park full of Monsters Inc. characters. Which meant that Brady, who had carefully made himself indispensable as the friendly eyeball, was more or less on constant call.

And the best part was, there was even a shelf inside the costume with little holes that accommodated extra lollipops.

Unexpurgated excerpt from Cast Member Confidential by Chris Mitchell, out January 1, 2010. Image via Chris Mitchell’s blog.