Sexual Conditions That Blow

Remember the woman with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome we told you about in November? The Telegraph, who initially made the report, had so much fun with it. Who wouldn’t want to cum 300 times a day, right? But sexual conditions are no laughing matter.

This oldie but goodie, from the humor site Cracked is a great little list of sexual conditions, explained so we get an idea of how much they actually suck — but, you know, in a funny way:

HYPERSEXUALITY

Commonly referred to as nymphomania by Internet perverts and perverts who still eschew technology but like the idea just the same; hypersexuality is what happens when your libido cranks the dial to 11 and leaves it there.

Frat guys throughout history have fantasized about dating a “total nympho,” thinking they’ll wind up with a special lady friend with a sex drive that rivals a three dicked hummingbird on E. It’s been the subject of more Penthouse letters than can possibly be counted.

“And this one time, she tried to have sex with me while she was already having sex with me. It was awesome.”

For menfolk, the condition is known as satyriasis, which is Greek for “having the wang of a goat-legged man” and it means you are now Wilt Chamberlain, minus the distraction of basketball.

Why it Would Suck:

Meet Heather Howland, developed hyerpsexuality after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage, which seems like a really awesome superhero background story. Not expected to live, she surprised everyone by waking up and trying to ride her husband like a Shetland pony.

Some of you guys are still rooting for the disorder at this point, but that’s because you’re probably assuming the “nympho” only has the hots for you. Unfortunately, that’s not how compulsions work. Howland estimates she boned about 50 random, and probably surprised, strangers in the two years since her accident.

Her husband frequently gets called home from work because she’s in the driveway trying to bone some random dude. Nowadays she can no longer work, and her ability to focus is on par with an eight-year-old armed with a television remote which, in this case, is shaped like a wiener.

Yeah, it turns out pretty much anything can stop being fun once you’re only doing it due to a short-circuit in your brain. And this is actually worse than say, compulsive over-eating or sleeping, because those don’t carry a stigma that will make you famous around the neighborhood and, well, on websites like this one.

Read the rest.

Information from Cracked, via Khayyam Wakil.