The Scariest Dildos You’ve Ever Seen

We have seen what happens when you sexy all the costumes, but what happens when you scary all the sex? The other side of Halloween, delivered.

UNDEAD

The Zombie is part of Fleshlight’s Freaks collection (other pleasures include Frankenstein, Dracula, Alien, Cyborg). “The attention to detail on this dildo is amazing — from the rotting skin to the exposed muscle texture!” goes one review. It’s six insertable inches, 1.75 inches in diameter and I just know you’re dying to jump on that chunk of decomposing flesh. $63.71

DEATH

Seasons don’t fear the reaper, nor do the wind, the sun or the rain — we can be like they are. Come on baby, don’t fear the reaper. Baby take my hand… I’m giving you time to make jokes about la petite mort, come on, hurry up. No? Fine. Well, this here is the Grim Reaper, courtesy of Divine Interventions, purveyors of holy water-based lubricants and other, shall we say, religion-“inspired” pleasure products. This $50.00 dildo stands at almost eight inches total, and is 1.75 inches in diameter at its widest.

DRAGON

This double whammy of dragon bits comes courtesy of the masters of fantasy at Bad Dragon. Vergil the Drippy Dragon ($70.00) is a squirting dildo (cum lube and kit sold separately!) that comes in various sizes, ranging from five and a half insertable inches to a glorious 9.6. Its diameter at its widest ranges from 2.15 to four inches (just to put that in context, a can of soda is 2.6 inches in diameter at the widest point). The Dragon’s Tongue, meanwhile, starts at $65.00 and ranges from a usable length of 4.6 to 10.4 inches. Its diameter at it widest point ranges from 2.03 to a whopping 4.2.

MOBY DICK

“Great toy for whale lovers,” Amazon tells us about TSX Toys’ Moby’s Dick. This beast is insertable up to its total length of 14 inches and it goes from 1.5 inches in diameter at the tip to a full four inches at the base. $56.99 — everyone who made a Free Willy joke, go here.

XENOMORPH

We need never again wonder how the queen bred the haunting cast of terrors that have fueled the Alien franchise for decades. Bad Dragon’s Xenogon takes a page from H. R. Giger and puts it, well, in our pants. Starting at $55.00, the dong comes in three sizes, ranging from 5.6 insertable inches to 11.2. Its diameter at its widest point runs from 1.65 to three inches. No squirting cum, alas. (I know you were wondering, don’t lie.)

CZAR CANNON

There’s packing heat and then there’s this. The TSX Toys Cannon is 13 inches, 10.5 of which are insertable. That’s a little less than three cans of Coke stacked on top of each other, FYI. Now take one of those cans, which is 4.8 inches in height, and imagine putting it inside you — sideways. That’s still less than the Cannon is wide. At its thickest, this thing has a diameter of 5.25 inches. $142.99

SCORPION

Because who doesn’t look at a scorpion and think “my God! I need that inside me right now!”? The folks at TSX understand, hence Scorpenis (because it’s not enough to be weird in this niche, you must also make really stupid jokes, tired references and silly portmanetaux. You made that Free Willy joke, though, so I know you can take it). Designed to push against the g-spot with the stinger, this arachnid stands at 5.5 inches insertible length and three inches maximim thickness. $38.99

CTHULHU

A vaguely anthropoid outline, scaled body, clawed hands, narrow wings, an octopus-like head, tentacles creeping closer and closer to feel, to grasp, to stretch and fill … Tentacle starts at $55.00 and comes in three sizes, ranging from an insertable length of 5.5 to ten inches. The diameter of the shaft at its widest ranges from 1.75 inches to 3.25, depending on the size.

STALLION

“Hung like a horse” — we say that so causally, don’t we? What if he was, though? This cervix-perforator — excuse me, this dildo from TSX Toys is 17.5 insertable inches. That’s around the length of the distance from your elbow to the middle of your palm. But that’s not all! It grows from 2.5 to 4.5 inches in diameter from one end to the other. $120.99 — they also offer a skinnier one called Mr. Ed, I thought you might want to know, of course, of course.

ARTILLERY SHELL

Meet the Stone Monster 0252, part of a collection of handmade stoneware sex toys, that look like, well, if you’re looking at a sex toy and wondering if it’s a mortar, then you probably have a problem and you’re not going to go to space today. Or maybe you will go to space in every direction and at very high speeds. In any event, this food- and diswasher-safe baby is 7.5 inches long and 3.25 inches wide at its thickest point. $44.00, all who made “make love, not war” quips go here.

COCKATRICE

Ah, rooster-headed dragon of old, here presented as a much closer relative to the emu than the rooster — which, alas, has no cock at all. Crackers the Cockatrice, which starts at $80.00, comes in a range of four sizes, from 5.37 inches to 10.5 in usable length, and a diameter at its widest point from 2.06 to 4.35 inches. Like Vergil, Crackers comes with a cum-squirting option.

GREAT WHITE

So, quick biology lesson: the shark has two sperm-delivery mechanisms called claspers that secure the male to the female and deposit sperm into her cloaca. While sharks usually only use one at a time, in this rendition, you can use both — alone or with a friend! Shafts range in diameter from 2.1 to 2.6. The usable length of each clasper is 6.2. $150.00, insert Sharknado joke here if you feel feisty, no penalty.

BIOHAZARD

So, I’m guessing they were trying to show us the Thing‘s thing, but the only thing I can come up with when I look at Stone Man is the sense that I’m going to die a painful and highly contagious death if I don’t immediately decontaminate my eyeballs. It’s 8.5 insertable inches, and between 2.75 and 3.5 inches in diameter. Has anyone made a porn parody of Contagion yet? Wondering. $56.99

GRIFFIN

You didn’t learn about this while learning your mythology, nor did you encounter it browsing Lewis Carroll, but it just so happens that the proud and demanding half-eagle, half-lion beast also has a very proud and demanding penis. Bad Dragon offers it in a four-piece range that runs from six inches in usable length to 12.5. Its diameter at its widest starts at 1.55 and goes up to 3.55. You can absolutely make it squirtable. Starts at $65.00.

JELLYFISH

This toy, the result of a failure of sorts in creation, was named for the constelation Andromeda, but I think it looks kind of like a strobilating polyp, so I’m going with Cassiopea andromeda. Manufacturers don’t care what we call it, and basically describe it as “pretty strange going in.” It’s seven inches insertable, and ranging between two and 3.5 inches in diameter. Bigsextoystore carries it for $50.50.

COBRA

Just when you think you’re going to get Stallone, you end up with a snake to your genitals. Seriously, this is a cobra-shaped thing, hood and all — and “dual use,” which I’m guessing probably means you can manipulate the tail to penetrate other orifices. This is eight inches insertable, 3.5 inches in diameter at its widest point. $51.99

A lot of these don’t have reviews on Amazon, aren’t you just dying to drop a brilliant snarkbomb?