Creepy Tales of Pleasure Fails from the ER

Anyone who has read Guts by Chuck Palahniuk knows that things can end very badly when we don’t carefully consider the risks of exercising our proclivities. But just in case you didn’t get the lesson (or you fainted during one of Palahniuk’s infamous readings of the story), we have some more gruesome tales for you, fresh from ER gossips around the country.

The Strange Case of the Missing Hot Dog

Adolescent girl comes into the ER complaining of vaginal discharge and odor. Symptoms have been occurring for over a month. The doctor examines her and finds one half of a rotting, moldy hot dog. The girl admitted to masturbating with a hot dog over two months prior, and thought it might have broken upon removal, but she was too embarrassed to say anything.

The doctor removed the offending hot dog. The girl recovered without further incident.

Lesson: do not masturbate with hot dogs. What the hell, people?

Beer Bottles Suck — Literally

Guy shows up in the ER, sitting on his side in obvious agony. Nurse asks for presenting complaint. Answer: “Something is stuck up my ass.” Taken to the examining room, the patient rolls over to reveal a beer bottle stuck in his anus.

The problem was that upon attempting to remove the bottle, it created suction and the tissue got caught. Then the bottle cracked. He required major surgery to remove the bottle and multiple stitches for the lacerations.

Lesson: bottles create suction. Don’t be a moron.

The Great Cocaine on the Dick Myth

It’s said that cocaine applied to the base of the penis can prolong an erection. Some yahoo decided to test this theory after snorting a few lines himself. He got hard and liberally applied coke around his erect penis. He had sex. And more sex. And more sex. According to what he told the doctors, he had sex for about three days, but we can’t know for certain, as his mind wasn’t exactly the clearest.

At the end of however long it was, his dick had still not gone down, so he gave up and went to the ER, panic settling in. When brutal treatments to attempt to evacuate the blood from his still hard and very purple member, he had surgery to release the blood from the corpus cavernosum to the corpus spongiosum, which are places in the penis you would know about if you’d paid any attention in anatomy and physiology.

Anyway, this is a last resort, which could result in preventing a man from having natural orgasms for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, he had waited too long to seek treatment and he ended up losing his penis entirely.

Lesson: be careful with that stuff. And remember, if the erection lasts more than four hours, haul ass to the ER.

All They Need Is Moisture and Warmth

Another girl presented to the ER with vaginal discharge and odor. Upon examination, doctors discovered a sprouting avocado seed. We wish we were kidding.

Lesson: stuff can grow in there. Don’t let it. Hello! A seed? Other stuff commonly lost in cavities: dolls, golf balls, racquetballs, corn cobs. Don’t do it. Just don’t. They have toys for this. Toys are awesome. Please use toys.

So there you have it. Insanity of pleasure. Be good to yourself. You want to keep getting off for a long time, don’t you? Think things through. Don’t be hasty. Don’t be stupid. And if you are, don’t be embarrassed to seek medical attention immediately. They’ve seen it all. Trust us.

Photo by Lauren Nelson.