He Sees Right Through Me

The last time I saw Sir M he asked me how things were going with me. I told him sheepishly that the night before I’d made a mistake. He had put me on abstinence from having any sex or orgasms at all for a week. I’d managed to stick to this for nearly the whole week, but had played with myself the night before, got carried away and had a shuddering orgasm.

He slapped my face because I’d disobeyed him. He was furious.

The few times when I’ve violated a rule when not in his presence, I’ve gone to Sir M immediately with the information. I know the consequence of this action could mean a fierce paddling as punishment, but that doesn’t deter me from being forthcoming. I am under orders to do so.

He gave me ten hard, stingy spankings. It felt good but I knew it was supposed to be punishment or at least a behavior correction. I hoped I was getting off easy for being transparent and telling him everything.

No such luck. He used a series of gradually more brutal implements: a strap, then a paddle.

Do I get a bonus?

I yelled out between lashes.

“Wait! Sir, don’t I get a bonus or a reprieve for telling you of my mistake?”

“No! You don’t get any reward for doing what you are supposed to do.”

“But you never would have known, Sir.”

“It doesn’t matter!”

He then hit me with something that felt like a butcher’s meat tenderizer. My butt was already pretty tender and sore by then so I squirmed around and screamed and tried to remember my pain processing skills. I hadn’t escaped punishment at all.

Sir M laughed and said, “TRANSPARENCY!”

Baring myself

For a submissive or slave, the principle of transparency is one of the key tenets of the D/s (Dominant/submissive) dynamic. It requires completely baring one’s soul in a way we probably aren’t used to doing in other relationships. It means telling your embarrassing secrets, your transgressions, expressing hopes and fears — no matter how irrational they might sound.

I’m finding this to be the most difficult and terrifying part of my new life serving Sir M. Exposing myself to that extent leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable. But it’s also necessary for my submission.

In this dynamic, transparency is not mutual. I reveal everything and he reveals very little. Sir M reveals scant information about his personal life and his other D/s relationships. He only shares information on a need-to-know basis. In this way he maintains distance to keep the balance of power and authority with him. After all this is not an egalitarian relationship, it’s more like a boss-employee relationship.

If I’m not completely transparent it means I’m hiding something from him. And hiding something from him means I’m not surrendering to him. That’s why transparency and openness is a guiding principle of my submission to Sir M.

For his eyes only

Masters often require their subs or slaves to keep an online personal journal that is meant to be a secure place to explore their private thoughts. It’s not written FOR the Master (or Dom) but the Master has access to read the journal. This helps them guide the sub or slave and deal with potential issues before they become a problem. Part of the Master role is managing their sub or slave and this is a helpful tool.

When I first started my training with Sir M he mentioned that he would eventually have me keep an online private journal. I liked the idea so much I started a written journal on my own. I read him passages from time to time.

Sometimes I write about my emotional reactions following BDSM play with him, while my impressions are still fresh. Other times I jot down random thoughts and work through ideas that eventually become my diary entries in this column. Sometimes the passages are just salacious – how many orgasms I had with the knife at my throat, how my nipples popped instantly erect and pussy got wet with his first whack on my ass.

I know you fucked your dog

After being punished for the non-permitted orgasm, I journaled my feelings of confusion, my fears and anxieties, and particularly my fear of inadvertently screwing up again and NOT being forgiven by Sir M. He went through my journal entry point by point via one-way webcam and discussed each of my fears rationally to put me at ease. He explained:

“Sure, it’s scary to be completely transparent and therefore, vulnerable.”

I agreed. I also noticed that in sharing my deepest fears and embarrassing feelings with him, I became extremely submissive in my style of communication. I held my head down even though we spoke via webcam and I couldn’t see him. I spoke in a soft, halting manner and felt painfully shy. Until he retorted, in his typical dry humor,

“I always say: I know you fucked your dog!”

I realized what he meant: there is NOTHING that I can’t tell him. In exposing my darkest, most secret actions and thoughts to him, anything I revealed wouldn’t be as “bad” as that.

Sir M

Sir M’s wit rocked me out of my serious introspective mode and back into the real word. I laughed at myself for over-thinking as I often do. My conclusion: it’s healthy to acknowledge fears but unhealthy to dwell on them.

In my journey of surrender, I have to avoid holding back to protect myself. I must accept my emotions even if they are frightening and painful.

And for the record, I don’t have a dog.