How To Get A Sex Blogger To Have Sex With You

I’m a sex blogger. That means I write about sex. Does that mean I have sex? If I write about it in a non-fiction publication, then you can safely infer that yes, I do. Does that mean I will have sex with you? No, it does not.

If you infer that I must enjoy sex because I write about it favorably, you’re correct: I do. This does not mean necessarily that I have it randomly. It just means I have good sex. In my experience, having good sex is more than being good at sex – it’s about picking suitable partners. That means that I have a very precise vetting process for potential partners.

Thus, messaging me proclaiming you want to fuck me will not result in me replying in the affirmative.

You may feel very close with me because of how much I share about myself, but do note that this is a one-sided relationship. My interaction is with a screen and keyboard, not with you. So while you feel you know me, I do not know you at all.

A good way to get to know me is to engage me regarding the content I post. Yes, we may talk about sex, my preferences and your own. That does not mean you should suggest we fuck. It just means we’re discussing our preferences. Please note that many people engage me in this way and the best way to differentiate yourself is by having intelligent conversation with me.

If I am interested, I will begin getting to know you, most likely in the medium that you initiated the conversation. I will not meet you just yet, simply interact with you until I am confident that you are the right choice. This may take months and you may never be aware of what’s going on as I do not want to taint the results; I want to gauge you in your natural element.

Once I decide you qualify, I will let you know. There is a difference between remaining objective and being coy. I am not coy. If I wish you to pursue me, you will be made aware of this in no unclear terms. I may still not meet with you at this point, either because I am otherwise engaged or simply do not feel like doing so. Pressuring me continuously to meet could result in disqualification for failure to accept my preferences.

When the time is right, I will suggest we meet and if at that point you are still interested, the possibility of us fucking will finally be made valid.

Now that you know the basics, allow me to provide you a cheat sheet of things I strongly dislike, in the event you decide to engage with me:

My response to compliments is brief. It goes like this: “thank you.” Excessive complimenting is perceived as sycophantic and may backfire.

Messaging me to “talk about sex” will only result in me asking whether you live in Los Angeles and care to submit a story of your conquests for me to publish on one of my blogs, then quickly forgetting your name as I browse the rest of the 1,200 e-mails saying the same thing.

Messaging me that you want to sleep with me because you want to see if you are “up to par with a professional sex blogger” will result in ire. I am a woman, not a measuring stick of your abilities.

Messaging me suggesting that the man with whom I am involved is a poor specimen is tantamount to saying that I don’t know how to select a mate, however brief our encounter. This is more a comment about my capacity than the man in whose company I find myself. It also makes you look a little pathetic. Refrain.

Abusing the direct message function on Twitter is impolite. If you do not have my e-mail address, please ask, including a brief note saying what the message regards. I don’t IM because I don’t have time. I don’t wish to turn Twitter into Gtalk. On that note, the shorter the e-mail, the better. If your e-mail is too long, I won’t read it. Get to the point.

I dislike the telephone. If you have my phone number, please refrain from calling me unless you absolutely have to do so. Do not be hurt if your call is ignored. Leave a voice mail at your own risk, as I rarely check them. I am more responsive with text messages – if I feel the message merits a response.

Messaging me to talk about “possible business prospects” will result in an eye roll so hard, it may dislodge my optic nerve. I may or may not respond asking what you mean. Responses to such a question that fail to provide me with a concrete business proposition will be ignored. If a concrete business proposition arises and I am interested, I will flesh it out over e-mail. I will not be calling or meeting to discuss before a contract is drafted. Nothing personal – business is business.

Contacting my friends in the hopes that they will assist you – especially if you hardly know them – is considered a breach of etiquette and they have my blessing to mistreat you according to how irritating they find your request. I have yet to decide who is more cruel when dealing in these situations. I suspect Jessica wins with her flair for profanity, but don’t mistake Melissa’s silent disapproval for complaisance. Her retribution tends to take the form of immediate social disqualification.

When approaching me at social events, please do not interrupt a conversation under progress, as this is rude to those with whom I am speaking. If you should see me out and about and I am having an intimate conversation, please consider whether it is appropriate to approach before you do so.

If someone tweets that they are with me at a location, showing up to hang out with us when no invitation has been issued to you is considered incredibly rude. So is whining that you were not invited – especially if you rarely interact with me.

If at any time I let you know I am not interested in you, failure to accept this will result in a firmer response that could escalate to aggression. Don’t make me go there. It’s not fun.

Remember, the fact that I won’t sleep with you is not a reflection of your prowess. It’s just a reflection of my preferences. Of course, if you message me publicly on Twitter demanding that I fuck you, I may hold you up to the public for a chuckle, but you can’t really blame me, can you?

Look at it objectively. I promise you will eventually see how ridiculous such behavior is.

RESPONSES FROM THE WEB

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