If We Had A Magazine, You’d Read It

We consume a lot of media here at Sex and the 405, including a handful of magazines, ranging from Psychology Today to Playboy. Among these, Cosmo probably gets more love than it does anywhere else, both because our editrix is taken with Helen Gurley Brown and because we accept each magazine for what it is.

Having said that, brunching earlier today looking over the two stacks of magazines atop which were Cosmo and Maxim, we developed something of a complex and we have to confess that we’re pretty annoyed. Look at these two October issues:

They’re both, pretty much, all about guys. Of course, Maxim doesn’t fill its cover with ways to make men better. It announces how to make money while doing nothing and how to use one’s phone as an espionage device. Cool! Meanwhile Cosmo can’t even talk about female genitalia properly. Va-jay-jay, really?

An article about penis enlargement would never grace the cover of Maxim. And if some kind of genital-improvement were on the market and they decided to run it on the cover and use some euphemism, it wouldn’t be something ridiculous like pe-nay-nay.

Epic hot beef injection. Grand hooded warrior. Master tool of vaginal disaster. Or, you know, cock.

We’re not sure rags are the future, but if we had one, the cover would be a shot showing action, you know, people playing the field, getting their sex on — like those killer Skyy Vodka ads from years ago. And articles would be about sex and desire and cheating and getting away with cheating and snooping and all kinds of sexpionage. And gadgets, of course, because Wired shouldn’t own the market on that. And research, too, because science is interesting and it makes for excellent conversation, whether one’s on a date or in bed or stuck in an elevator shaft.

Maybe throw in some special interest stuff, nothing too fancy, maybe a discussion of game theory in picking a movie for a date or the classic Nash equilibrium stuff. And then something really smart, like a discussion of the importance of lack as it regards erotic tension. And something about the economy, too, because that’s relevant. Forget the whole “cheap dates” and “ways to show him you care for under $100” shit. We’re talking about a column by a investment broker-turned-stripper who talks about saving and investing and playing with money responsibly. That’s hot.

You know, stuff that doesn’t give people immediate nosebleeds.