John Mayer. I didn’t realize what an emo weirdo he was until recently. I went nuts for him immediately, obviously. Forget tall and handsome, I like them dark as my own tangled heart.
So this month, he’s on Rolling Stone, right, positively gushing with overshares.
The 32-year-old musician and former beau to Jennifer Aniston isn’t over their early-2009 break-up.
The entire thing’s left him “too freaked out” to try to go on looking for a partner — not because Aniston’s insane and ruined him for all other women with her neuroses, no, she’s “fucking fantastic.”
He’s the asshole. He ended things because their relationship didn’t “arc over the horizon.”
Ah, to be dumped with such poetry.
But Mayer is having a heard time getting back in the game. He just doesn’t have the energy to convince the women of the unwashed masses that he’s really interested.
“I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!'” he said. “I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it.”
So essentially, he’s raiding his little black book right now. Sorry, ladies.
“Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself?” he asked rhetorically during the interview.
Who might he admire more than he admires himself?
An intellectual equal who also possesses “a beautiful vagina.”
There you have it, ladies. The key to this man’s heart.