First World Problems: What Would Your Fleshlight Signature Texture Feel Like?

It started innocently enough (doesn’t it always?), we were browsing the web when we arrived at the site for Fleshlight. The header got right to the point: “Get inside today’s hottest adult stars.” Below, we discovered a selection of some of porn’s most celebrated starlets, all posing with their Fleshlights.

Then we noticed something else: they each had signature textures.

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We immediately went into a panic — if a Fleshlight were made in our likeness, what would our signature texture be?

Jenna Haze has a maze. Stoya has a space-age seeming chamber of pleasure. Misty Stone has what we envision a pencil sharpener to look like on the inside — only, you know, not painful. Tera Patrick is like the inside of a unicorn’s horn (rainbows of pleasure sold separately?).

How do Fleshlight engineers come up with this stuff? Observation? Experience? (“Wow, Tera, fucking you helped me understand why Charlie had to lose his horn…”) We considered creating a poll for former lovers to fill out on Facebook (finally, a use for it!), but then decided against it. It’s weird enough when an ex posts a link on your wall. Imagine…

Actually don’t.

Asking a current lover isn’t much more useful. It’s in his best interest to say you feel like God, after all. So we’re left with the question plaguing our identity.

We do know one thing: it’d be called The Large Hard-On Collider.