Grab a Tiger by the Toe

Dec 22, 2009 • Opinion

“A man is only as faithful as his options.”

These incredibly insightful words were taken from one of Chris Rock’s comedy acts. And, if you think about it, the statement makes all the sense in the world. Men are men after all. Primal animals at the core who oftentimes get led astray when good intentions fall victim to overwhelming temptations, resulting in poor decisions.

American journalism is completely inundated these days with news of Tiger Woods, and all of his extra-marital sexual indiscretions. Most of the world watched, with its figurative jaw on the floor, as woman after woman came forward to throw salt on the wounds of Tiger’s evidently chaffed penis.

I imagine him much more like Tiger Claus at this time of the year, singing out to his ladies strapped in to pull his sleigh… “On Rachel, on Jamie, on Kalika, on Cori…” After all, “if Santa was black”, was indeed a trending topic on Twitter… and it couldn’t just be coincidental. Tiger was clearly providing a service to these ladies, and in turn, they provided a service right back. Tiger Claus.

But what I don’t need to hear or see is another dick in the media who claims to be a doctor of “this” and a specialist of “that”, voicing their opinions on the man’s psyche. Dr. Drew, people seem to like you, so I won’t get all up in your grill, but please, shut the fuck up. Sexual addiction?


Let me drop a little science, and a little man knowledge your way. Guys who are “sexually addicted” masturbate in the bathroom stalls of fast food restaurants.

Guys that can get ample amounts of pussy because beautiful women throw it in their face all day, every day? They are called men.

The power of temptations mixed with hormones has been shaping history since the beginning of civilizations. Anyone familiar with classic literature remembers Helen being the face that launched a thousand ships. Do you really think Paris didn’t have a chick back in Troy that thought he was just off settling world conflicts, and sleeping with her picture on the pillow next to him? Give me a break. Women, like anything coveted in life, are a spoil that goes to the victor. And it will never change.

However, please do not misunderstand my point to this article. I do not condone a married man, and a father of two, spreading his seed along the PGA tour stops. I find it terrible, and I find it even more terrible that he must face all of this scrutiny and judgment in the public eye. If we were really to know Tiger, I would imagine we would find a man who felt he had been stripped of much of his youth. He was protected as a child, removed from many offerings because of his forced devotion to the game of golf. Probably did not have many friends, and even fewer girls that took notice. Fast forward 10 years, he has he world by the balls, and even the pretty white girls are chasing him down now. Just because he could, Tiger decided to marry the whitest girl walking the earth–a big fuck you to all the circles that wouldn’t accept him in his youth.

But, let me take it a step further. If Tiger were just looking to satiate his “sexual addiction”, these women would have remained nameless faceless vaginas, with very little to zero follow-through after the fucking. But it didn’t go down like that did it? You could see that Tiger, though married, was finding something in these women. Something he needed that he very clearly wasn’t getting from his wife.

Here is a newsflash to all of the Dr. Drews, and countless feminist bitches that felt the need to voice opinions on these events: sticking your dick in something warm, wet, and tight feels really really, REALLY good. As a matter of fact, I’m smiling right now just thinking of it. We are all born “addicted” to sex, you mindless fucks. It is how our species continues. If we didn’t like it, we wouldn’t do it!

And, why is it no one ever looks to the woman in these cases? It is always about the hedonistic man and his inability to keep his dick in his pants. And you get outcries of support for her, and her fragile being. Even T-shirts to dually show your concern, as well as your hope for the destruction of yet another ruinous man. Why can’t we ever accept as a society that sometimes a wife just can’t give you everything you need? Sometimes the woman in your life just doesn’t get it done. It’s quite possible Tiger’s dick hasn’t come out of his pants, in front of his wife, since the birth of his second child. These things happen. These so called specialists should be spending a lot more of their time and efforts looking into a male’s willingness to sexually desecrate the mother of his children.

I would imagine the desire to act on your sexual needs and aggressions gets incredibly diminished after children… but what would I know, I’m neither a psychologist nor a feminist.

So, I will wrap it up by adding my two cents: actors, rockstars, public figures, and athletes are always going to have copious amounts of ass thrown in their faces. Women can’t help themselves, and they are hand-picking, providing, and selling the proverbial desirous apple. My advice to these types of people would fall into two distinct buckets: 1.) do not get married until you are done with your careers, with craving the spotlight, and are for sure certain you are ready to settle down; and 2.) you should really be subscribing to bucket #1, but if you must get married, make sure you marry a woman that understands there are going to be instances on the road when you will be indeed, loving the one you’re with.

I believe my sentiments can be fully summarized with one more quote from Chris Rock: “That tiger didn’t go crazy… that tiger went tiger!” Think about it.

Image by BlankLogo Photography.

  • The Beautiful Kind

    Yes and YES. This is what happened to David Duchovny and a few million other celebs. Every man wishes they had the ability to turn the female population into a Whitman’s Sampler box of chocolates. Humans are not naturally monogamous. Every time I declare that, people who claim to be in monogamous relationships get upset. Wonder why.

  • anonymous

    This article made me feel really uncomfortable, but I have a feeling that voices of dissent aren’t necessarily welcome here.

    • Anaiis

      Someone is always going to disagree with what we have to say. But that should give us more reason to say it, not less.

    • Tyler

      Dear Anonymous, quite the contrary! I welcome the dissent of the readers, and would be eerily disappointed if i were unable to evoke some sort of a visceral response from those on either side of the discussion. My intentions are to never walk aimlessly down the middle of the road, undeclared to whether I’m heading north or south, east or west. My destination and my intentions will always be clearly understood, and I expect to enter into further discussions on my points, with those who care to dance…

  • DrCastellanos

    Excellent points. People (both men and women) are usually as faithful as their options and their desire to avoid the consequences of not being faithful. That’s about it for most people. For many, the desire of avoiding disease and the desire to maintain a stable household and friendship with their partner will suffice in avoiding consequences. For others, it will be a matter of integrity or guilt. But options and consequences pretty much cover it, whether people want to admit it or not.

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  • Anaiis

    So let’s dance, shall we?

  • anonymous

    I agree with your points that it is silly to call Tiger Woods a sex addict and that monogamous relationships are not for everyone and that we should, perhaps, re-evaluate our culture’s desperate need to have and consequently break them. However, I’m uncomfortable defining men by the amount of ass they get, characterizing them as creatures who are incapable of making ethical choices in terms of the contracts they’ve already made (emotional and otherwise), and women as being “unable to help themselves”.

    I suppose I just don’t see the productiveness in relying on derogatory characterizations of both genders to make points that could be clearly made without them. That people should define their relationships by their personal needs, not by society’s and hold true to those decisions is a point that is clear enough on its own.

    • Tyler

      Dear Anonymous, or feministbitch, I get it. I understand where you are coming from. However, with that said, I do believe that most feminist beliefs are rooted in unacceptance. And, this unyielding desire and push to stray away from the primal order of nature just fucking baffles me. This discussion could go on and on, but I think I will save it for my next testosterone laden blog post.