How To Get Dumped This Christmas

Maybe you have no balls and can’t really offer a statement less vague than “this isn’t working.” Maybe you have and she just refuses to honor the breakup. Whatever the case (and yes, we’re totally judging you, as failure to disengage is a far more heinous crime than failure to engage), it’s time to call on your super douchebag powers.

​We have just the weapon for the task.

A set of luxury Original Condoms. No, we’re not suggesting you hook up with all her girlfriends (though that may also work). See, these condoms come in a box “inspired by the world of jewelry.”

Get it? It’s meant to look like you’re popping the question. You hand it to her with a glint in your eye. You can even kneel — at a restaurant — for maximum mortification and damage points.

She will never talk to you again — guaranteed. And it only costs you $20. And whatever the dry-cleaner charges for removing that gory red wine stain that runs from your shirt collar to your navel.

You’re welcome!

Image by Base3Wave