So You Want to Be a Pornstar

Porn doll and sex educator Ryan Keely couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed that every day another man asked her how to become a pornstar — not so they could hear helpful advice, either, but to assure her they fit the bill.

Yeah, right.

She shot a mass mailer to subscribers of her seminar Porn Star Sex Life (which vows to show men how to wow a woman into bed and beyond) detailing the tenets of male pornstardom. The truth of your future in porn can be summarized as “The Rule of Eights.”

Eight Inches

“You must be at least 8 inches long,” Keely writes, noting that the camera which is known to add 10 pounds has a tendency to shorten dicks. An example from Keely: “An average six-inch penis will appear to be around four inches.”

The 808

“You must live in the 808,” Keely says referring to the area code, not the California penal code (though if you’re having epic sex, it very well could). “Almost every single adult film is shot in the 808 area code of Los Angeles California.”

We’re pretty sure she meant 818, seeing as 808 is Hawaii. No word on whether she believes 310, 323 or 213 are acceptable.

88 Minutes of Fame

“Eighty-eight minutes is about how long the average scene takes to shoot,” Keely says. “You must be able to last 88 minutes. If you can’t last that long, you better get in to the gym and work on your cardio.”

She fails to mention cumming on command, being able to get it up and keep it up in front of a room full of people, working with people you may not like, being paid less than the female talent and other stuff, but it’s a good start.