People who believe in complete honesty are not being honest with themselves about the sort of things that sometimes go through our heads in the most intimate situations. If they were, they would know that 99 percent of the time, we’d rather not know. At least when it’s about us. When it’s about others, though, it’s fair game, so enjoy the illustrated guide to what goes on in people’s minds when their heads are buried between our legs.

Today, the social mapping company Waze announced it had acquired the dating and hook-up platform SingleSpotter, enabling them to offer their users a product called WazeDates, which gives drivers access to one another’s relationship status, so they can determine whether to send a private message or continue with road rage as usual. This is, of course, an April Fool’s joke, but to single commuters who spend a good chunk of their lives in a car, it’s no laughing matter.

Vehicular sex is the new black. Chasing the trend, Cosmopolitan magazine released a guide filled with tips to enable everyone to enjoy a little fun, fearless vehicular sex. Unfortunately, the author of the guide and her source seem to only have a passing knowledge of how cars work, beginning with the fact that seat belts aren’t useful restraints except for the most imaginative of role-players.

This revolutionary lubricant is available only in a water-based formula, as its hydrogen-based oxidization allows for the liquivibrotic stimulation to transfer smoothly to the user. A silicone-based version currently is being reformulated to accommodate its slick consistency, and once their joint laboratory finalizes the formulation the two companies are expected to be considered for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

If Rajeev Rawat had known was was about to befall him, it’s highly likely he would have logged in to Facebook instead of Google+. But Rajeev liked Google+. Unlike Facebook where most people — especially women — were in the habit of locking down their profiles, the atmosphere on Google+ was different. On Google+ he could browse for hours, jumping from one woman’s profile to another’s often finding a lot of photos. And, of course, he could comment on most public posts.

Last night, we overheard someone at the bar talking about a “laser-guided teat finder.” We became irrationally excited by the strides in technology that enabled us to arrive at laser-guided nipple-finders. What it would be used for, we had no clue. Nor did we particularly care. We wanted pictures. So we jumped on our phones, eager to discover this obvious zenith of mammary-related innovation. This is what we found.

Why be awkward when you can be so awkward, you’re actually funny? Introducing Etsy’s answer to our national sex ed crisis: The Crochet Learning Sex Ed Kit. For $51.51, you too will own a uterus complete with ovaries, a sperm cell, an egg, a dildo, a baby, and a bunch of contraceptive devices — all in crochet!

The third movie of the Twilight saga series is out and it was only a matter of time before the spoofs started followed in full. Introducing the hypersexualized version of the hit saga.

We think it’s vital to let people know how much you adore them, so we’ve created a special new section showcasing the best of the web when it comes to showing your love.

It was one of those square bingo-looking grids, the ones where each square has a descriptor and people tag their friends on them accordingly. This looks fun, but who past the age of 13 does this sort of thing? Clearly, we need a more adult version. Here it is.