Conservative talk-show host Bill O’Reilly couldn’t believe Beyonce’s Partition music video, which featured the singer having sex with her husband in a car. Why would she have sex in a car when she knows girls look up to her? Zen magnate Russell Simmons, present for that segment, told him to shut it, but Cosmopolitan magazine soon rose to the occasion, releasing a guide filled with tips to enable everyone to enjoy a little fun, fearless vehicular sex.
Unfortunately, the author of the guide and her source seem to only have a passing knowledge of how cars work, beginning with the fact that seat belts aren’t useful restraints except for the most imaginative of role-players.
“All cars come equipped with the perfect BDSM accessoryâ€”seatbelts, people!” writes Molly Triffin, who claims to have gotten this stuff from the spokesperson of TheExperienceChannel.com, a site that sells, among other things, master-slave contracts like those seen in the runaway erotica bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey (for only $19.95!).
The guide goes on to ignore how little space there is inside this machine designed for the purpose of driving, going as far as to suggest the sort of things that will put some seriously ugly dents in your ride.
“Oh god. Okay,” laments Jalopnik’s Jason Torchinsky in his hilarious rebuttal. “For one thing, [fucking on the hood of a car in the scissors position under a blanket] won’t look like you’re ‘just making out,’ because people who are making out never ever do this. This person has no idea how difficult this would actually be on any car made past 1978. Hoods have compound curves, and are made of relatively thin metal that will pop into a shallow dent with two gripping bodies writhing on it, trying desperately to keep that blanket on and not slide down the dramatically curved side of the hood, well-lubed with sweat.”
The verdict: this sex guide is probably the worst thing to happen to cars since rust.
As one of the commenters quipped, “The best car sex ever is when you wrap the seat belt around your neck, then have your lover take a sledgehammer to the bumper so the airbag goes off against your bloated choked head. For maximum effect, make sure the shifter is in your rectum. You’re welcome, Cosmo.”
Header image by John Brawley.