How to Avoid Pissing off a Stripper

I realize this article is going to make me the ultimate terrorists of fantasy, but I refuse to let any more of you make asses out of yourselves at strip clubs. Several articles have undertaken the task of explaining why guys feel drawn to the strip club experience: half-naked chicks, unknown half-naked chicks, unknown half-naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter who you are or what you look like, the ability to pick and choose from a variety of unknown half-naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter what you look like. And so on. That’s great. But let’s talk about the strippers.

Whether they like to be half-naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on or not, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think that taking one’s clothes off for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make $500 per hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is their job. And as a patron of the establishment where they work, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who provides a service to you.

After a few months running around the backrooms of some of Las Vegas’ and L.A.’s most happening strip joints, here are a few tips I picked up from the girls:

Rule #1:

If you just want to drink and chill your friends, don’t go to a strip club. I repeat: do not go to a strip club. Not the same without all the TNA running around? Do yourself and your buddies a favor and grab a Girls Gone Wild DVD while you’re out picking up the beer. Trust me.

Rule #2:

Don’t ever ask a stripper why you should pay for a lap dance when you can get pussy for free at a club. It may be true, but if that’s the reason you’re passing on the lap dance, then shouldn’t you be at a club? If you’re just there for the browse, make it worth their while. It’s proper business etiquette.

Rule #3:

Don’t try to get a dancer to do anything for free. Come on, now. Most places charge between 20 and 40 dollars for a lap dance. Surely you didn’t just show up with enough money for booze… or did you? Should have stuck with YouPorn.

Rule #4:

Don’t sit on pervert’s row (i.e., right at the stage) and tip nothing to the women who are dancing. It doesn’t have to be as much as you would pay for a lap dance. Between $5 and $20 during a set should do fine. If you’d rather avoid that expense, go sit at a table somewhere on the floor — or at the bar.

Rule #5:

Don’t ask a dancer what her real name is or where she lives. Dude, come on, that’s creepy. A dancer’s creating a fantasy and she’s well aware of the risks involved in doing that for a living. It can be dangerous. A lot of dancers don’t even share their personal information with each other, so get the idea that she would share that with you out of your head. She may, however, give you her number. A lot of dancers have separate phones for work. This is a way for them to engage patrons and hopefully turn them into regulars. Getting her digits does not mean she wants to go out on a date. It means she thinks you are a potential regular. Accept her as a fantasy. Fantasy is what she’s there to provide.

What can you do to make the best out of your strip club experience?

Tip #1:

Know that a stripper is providing a service and expects payment. Hey, I know it’d be great to walk into a room full of half-naked women who just want to drape themselves all over you because you’re awesome, but not everyone lives in a rap video.

Tip #2:

Ask permission before you do anything. Every strip club has house rules and a dancer could get in trouble for stepping over the line. She may be better able to indulge you (at a fee, obviously) in the VIP room, which can run anywhere between 40 to 100 dollars for 15 minutes. Ask her.

Be careful if you’re asking about sex, though. That is illegal in more places than it isn’t and might get you into a legal jam. Remember that even in the off-chance that you have found a dancer who is open to breaking the law, she’s unlikely to come right out and tell you in the middle of a lap dance. Most girls who escort on the side need to know you’re serious (and not an undercover vice cop), so don’t even think about going there unless you’re willing to pay for time in the VIP (it’s not a bad rule — vice rarely gets VIPs). Oh, and keep in mind that if you’re forking over $800 to hang with her for an hour in the club, you’ll likely be paying much more than that to get her to leave the club and spend time with you. Don’t know what you’ve heard but strip clubs are not the place to go for bargain sex. Try Backpage or The Erotic Review instead.

Keep in mind that haggling is considered somewhat low-brow in the club or out. If you’re low on cash, your best bet is to tell her she’s worth that and more but you just don’t have more money. Do it sincerely enough and gracefully enough and chances are she’ll help you find a solution that works out for the both of you.

Tip #3:

Tip her. Yeah, OK, so you’re already paying for the dance or the VIP room. She still appreciates a tip. Dancers are rarely paid an hourly wage and on top of that, a lot of places charge “house” — a fee for working there per night. It can be pretty steep. Some places also take a percentage of everything they make (some up to 40 percent!). Some make tipping of other club staff mandatory for dances. Some clubs do all of the above.

And even if they don’t make tips mandatory for dancers, tipping the rest of the club staff is something dancers tend to do anyway. It’s good form to tip the manager who hired them every night, the person manning the VIP rooms, the bouncers who watch their backs, the women who keep the back rooms tidy and full of snacks, the women in the bathrooms who dry their hands, the DJ who plays their sets (and doesn’t tell management on them when they fail to do a set), the guy in the parking lot who walks them to their cars — get the picture?

Proper business etiquette even means they have to tip your waitress for you if they see you give a lousy tip or fail to do so completely. The strip club is well-oiled machine and everyone has to pay it forward. As a result, your tips go a long way. The standard tip ranges between 15 and 25 per cent, but any dancer will appreciate a modest tip over nothing.

Tip #4:

Respect her when she asks you for money. She’s working. Say it with me: she’s working. You wouldn’t like it if your employer got fresh with you and tried to dick you out of a paycheck, would you? Doesn’t matter how awesome the employer, if they try to stiff you, they’re an asshole, right? Same thing.

Tip #5:

Treat her with the same respect you are expected to treat other women in your life. She’s a human being. Yes, she’s providing a service but she is a human being. Be human to her. The short of it is simple: Don’t ask her why she’s chosen this job. Don’t feel sorry for her. Enjoy her company and attention. That’s what you’re there to do and what she’s there to facilitate. Let her. And pay her accordingly.

Follow the rules and mind the tips and you’ll be well on your way to being the guy that strippers trip over to come sit with. As long as you remember that — no matter how much they like you — club is their workspace and you pay and tip them appropriately, you’ll have a fantastic relationship.

Header image by Alex Thompson.