12 Sorry Stories from the LA Weekly’s Sex Issue

Every year, the LA Weekly releases a sex issue. This year, their masterpiece about sex in Los Angeles is in the style of Chuck Palahniuk — if you gave him a tranquilizer and forced him to remain PG-13. The following is an excerpt from one of the 12 sorry stories:

Slim decided to surprise her husband by inserting Chinese Ben Wa balls into her vagina one afternoon. Ben Wa balls are metal spheres that can be as small as marbles or as big as ping-pong balls. They wiggle around inside the pelvis as a woman moves, creating a subtle stimulation. Slim’s were about the size of quail eggs and had little chimes inside.

But when her husband, Ricky, came home, he was in a hurry. “I totally forgot we were supposed to go to court with his father,” Slim says. “I think because I got nervous, or it swelled up, I couldn’t pull the balls out. So I left them in there without telling him.”

She could hear the soft jingle-jangle chiming of the balls as she walked from the car to the courthouse. No big deal … until she saw the metal detector looming ahead. Improvising, she ripped the top button off her pants and fastened them with a safety pin she found in her purse. When the guards asked her to remove the pin, she was ready. “I can’t! My pants will fall off,” she protested. She beeped through the metal detector, decoy safety pin and secret balls intact.