OMG! Is Miss USA Whoring Out Its Contestants?

So everyone’s got their panties in a bunch about the Miss USA pageant because they have released photos of the contestants and oh noes! all the girls look like Victoria’s Secret angels. Evidently the pageant is whoring out the poor things in order to get some hype going and score better ratings with this rather controversial turn!

Oh, please. Let’s go back some 60 years, shall we? The year is 1950 and Miss USA doesn’t exist yet. Yolande Betbeze has won the crown of Miss America, which is sponsored by Catalina, a swimsuit company. The conservative Betbeze, who entered as Miss Alabama for a chance at a scholarship, refused to wear a swimsuit after she won Miss America, causing Catalina to withdraw their sponsorship and, eventually, launch the rival competition known as Miss USA.

So, Miss USA was conceived by a swimsuit company because a girl was unwilling to strip down for photo ops. Now, 60 years later, the girls are in lingerie, which isn’t a whole lot different. And everyone is surprised because… ?

Ah, yes. Miss California, Carrie Prejean! Everyone flipped major Mugatu last year after risqué photos of her began surfacing around the web. And then there was something about a sex tape. But, look, it’s more complex than that. Prejean and Miss USA had been at odds for some time before this happened. The pageant didn’t agree with Prejean skipping scheduled events and then attending “unsanctioned” speaking gigs with conservatives to discuss her stance against gay marriage, there was some matter of a surgery and a unnecessary disclosure, a lot back and forth spin and so on.

The whole thing was a mess and to simplify the issue into a cry of outrage because Miss USA is “being hypocritical” because now its contestants are wearing lingerie, especially when the pageant was founded by a swimsuit company, is populist nonsense.

Here’s the deal: Miss USA isn’t about discovering your inner beauty. Is about selling yourself off to slavery for a year to prove beauty you already have. From the moment you enter the pageant, ALL UR BASE R BELON 2 THEMZ. Dig? You can’t do anything they don’t like. Can’t skip events they want you to attend or attend events without their consent. Can’t make any sort of political statement without their approval. Definitely can’t take naughty pictures unless they ask for them — can’t refuse once they do. Got it? Good! Glad we could help.

Now let’s move on to something more interesting — like the slideshow!

Triptych features Miss Connecticut, Miss Florida, and Miss Georgia, courtesy of the HuffPo. Information from the HuffPo and Fox News.