One-Night Stands and Other Confessions from the Queen of Homemaking
I don’t know where the idea that singles are messy comes from. I’ve been around the block a few times and I’ve only ever met three singles who lived in conditions that fit the messy, pizza-boxes-everywhere-dishes-piled-high-in-the-sink-clothes-in-piles-all-over stereotype — out of hundreds! Mostly, I’ve encountered among singles a commitment to neat, welcoming spaces, whether they use these to host potential lovers or maintain their homes as a private sanctuary where only their dearest and nearest can enter.
You really wouldn’t think so, based on the way most house-keeping and cleaning products market their products. I remember when I was an editor making the rounds at BlogHer’s annual conference, where the expo floor is filled with brands catering to household needs — people manning the booths were always very interested in me until they found what section of BlogHer I wrote for: Love & Sex.
The pitches were all about how much time you could save, as a busy mom, with this washer or that vacuum cleaner. The second they discovered that I was unmarried, had no kids, and wrote about sex, the attention shifted — like people have no need for these things until they tie the knot and start a family? Never mind our disposable incomes! Surely we can’t be bothered to run a dishwasher!
While discussing this on Twitter a few weeks ago, I tweeted in a huff, “You know, just because I love sex doesn’t mean my house isn’t spotless! I’m @MarthaStewart — only with threesomes and anal.”
And that’s when I learned that Martha Stewart, the iconic homemaker, had just as healthy a sex life as any of the singles I was talking about. That’s the funny thing about assumptions — they go both ways. So here’s the takeaway: just because I love sex doesn’t mean I don’t vacuum and just because Martha Stewart keeps a perfect house doesn’t mean she doesn’t sext or have one-night stands.
This is a clip from a June episode of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live! with Andy Cohen. Transcript follows:
Andy Cohen: Two weeks ago, I had the pleasure of interviewing Martha at the 92nd Street Y and this spliffy little tidbit came up.
Segment from the 92nd St. Y interview plays.
Andy Cohen: I’m wondering if you know how to roll a joint?
Martha Stewart: Of course I know how to roll a joint! Not that I ever do.
Andy Cohen: But of course you know how.
Martha Stewart: Of Course.
Segment from the 92nd St. Y interview ends.
Andy Cohen: And she said that she can do it well, too. But here’s what — since she admitted to that, what else will Martha Stewart cop to? We’re going to play a little game called Did Martha Do It? and find out! I’m going to ask Martha something, Maggie [Gyllenhaal] will predict if she has or has not and Martha will say yes or no. Let’s play Did Martha Do It? Okay — Martha, have you had a one-night stand? Maggie?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Oh, yes.
Andy Cohen: Martha?
Martha Stewart: Yes.
Andy Cohen: Martha, have you gotten a speeding ticket. Maggie, has she gotten a speeding ticket?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Yes.
Martha Stewart: I talked myself out of it.
Andy Cohen: You talked yourself out of it! Very good. Yeah, I would not write that ticket up. Take a dip in the lady pond! Has Martha ever been with a lady, Maggie?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: I think yes.
Martha Stewart: [Shaking her head.]
Andy Cohen: Martha, have you ever been with a lady? No. Okay. Has Martha ever sexted? Maggie?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: I think no.
Andy Cohen: Martha?
Martha Stewart: [Nodding.]
Andy Cohen: Yes! Oh! I’m so happy to hear that! [High fives her.] Okay, oh God! Oh, that’s who those texts were from the other night! Martha!
Martha Stewart: [Looking unamused.]
Andy Cohen: Okay, has Martha ever been to a strip joint? Maggie?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Yes.
Andy Cohen: Yes?
Martha Stewart: [Shaking her head.]
Andy Cohen: No! Okay, last, oh, uh — threesome. Has Martha ever had a threesome, Maggie?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: I think yes!
Andy Cohen: Martha?
Martha Stewart: … Maybe.
Andy Cohen: Maybe! Oh my God! Okay, now we have to keep going. Has Martha ever — did she drink when she was under age?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Yes!
Andy Cohen: Martha?
Martha Stewart: No!
Andy Cohen: Oh, okay. Um, has Martha ever taken a hit of acid?
Maggie Gyllenhaal: No.
Martha Stewart: No.
Andy Cohen: Okay! Thank you very much!
There you have it. You really can’t make assumptions about people’s sexuality based on how they keep house and you really can’t determine how interested they are in keeping house based on their relationship status or how open they are about their sex lives.
Header image by Kona Gallagher.
