Because Some Stockings Deserve a Lump of Coal
The season is upon us and everyone is busy writing guides to help you navigate the complex rituals of appropriate gift-giving. Every occasion calls for a specific thing, which is precisely why the blog, The Worst Things for Sale, exists. Face it, some stockings deserve a lump of coal.
A perfect example of the blog’s commitment to quality — the 2008 caps-lock masterpiece Birth Control is Sinful by Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson.
Amazon informs us in the product description what to expect from this 648-page work:
THIS BOOK IS GODS HOLYSPIRIT VOICE: THE CALL FOR ALL CHRISTIANS & CHURCHES TO REPENT FROM ALL THEIR SINS: EVEN FROM FALSE CHRIST TEACHINGS. BIRTH CONTROL SINS HAVE CURSE THE CHURCH WITH SPIRITUAL WHOREDOM & FALSE WORSHIP. RESULTING IN THE PERSECUTIONS: AGAINST THE HOLY PEOPLE. THIS BOOK MAY BE REVISED: BECAUSE OF COMPUTER DICTATORS: MANY WORDS IN THIS BOOK: MADE HAVE BEEN CHANGED: TO>>DISCREDIT: THE AUTHOR. BUT IN TRUTH: I AM A HOLYSPIRIT CHOSEN ANOINTED DISCIPLE FOR GOD & CHRIST JESUS. EVEN FOR JEWS, MUSLIMS & GENTILE SINNERS. MANY PEOPLE WILL LEARN HOW TO> BECOME REAL BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN: THROUGH THIS HOLYSPIRIT BOOK & THROUGH THE PROTECTION & SUPPORT OF MY HOLYSPIRIT LIFE!! JOHN 3 & 15. ALL NATIONS WILL OVER COME THE SINS OF BIRTH CONTROL. *BECAUSE HOLY DOMINIONSHIP IS ONE OF THE FIRST COMMANDMENT IN GENESIS 1;26-31. ALL BELIEVERS: WILL COME TO A HOLY VOW OF REPENTANCE: THROUGH GODS RESTORATION & THROUGH GODS ADOPTION VOWS. YES!! THE KINGDOM OF GOD & HEAVEN!! IS AT HAND!! […] REMEMBER: GOD HAS MADE ME A HOLYSPIRIT VOICE FOR THE BRIDE OF GOD & CHRIST JESUS IN 1996 GOD TOLD ME TO TEACH THE GOSPEL ON CABLE TELEVISION IN TUCSON ARIZONA.
“THIS BOOK HAS GIVEN ME A NEW LEASE ON LIFE,” writes a reviewer, deeply moved by this work. “I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD USE > PUNCTUATION > IN THIS WAY BEFORE: BUT NOW THE HOLYSPIRIT HAS GIVEN ME THE ABILITY TO> CHALLENGE SOCIAL PUNCTUATIONAL NORMS!! PRAISE JESUS!!”
“True, by avoiding this book you will miss out on the precise location of the heretical surfboard worshipped by the British royal family and the sinister significance of Abe Lincoln’s unholy quadrille,” writes another. “You will also miss out on the explanation of why the Hairy-Eared Dwarf Lemur is really God’s own tree-dwelling angel-on-earth and on the coded instructions showing how to grow a prize-winning mushroom, which the author cunningly gleaned from a close textural analysis of St. Paul’s third birthday card to the Corinthians.”
Indeed, dear reader, you too can bring this gift to others for the small sum of $114.48! Or just spend the next thirty minutes laughing at the reviews.
