The Trailer You Haven’t Been Waiting For

So, there it is. The Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer is out. No matter how hard you’ve been avoiding all discussions about this “phenomenon,” you’re bound to be a little curious. Just how awful will this be? The answer is shocking, if unsurprising: not very.

This is unsurprising because long, tedious and incredibly juvenile internal monologues don’t translate well to film, which instantaneously neutralizes one of the most annoying aspects of the book. Not much can be done about the incredibly unhealthy codependency between the main characters, but the time constraints imposed on films means that you won’t have to sit through hours of emotional manipulation and neurotic tantrums.

Also, who would have guessed that Dakota Johnson could look like such a child? If Jamie Dornan’s portrayal of Christian Grey hadn’t come out more finance than tech, the film would probably feel less like a case of daddy seducing the teenage babysitter. But I suppose it’s true that it’s hard for people to look powerful and imposing in jeans.

You know, unless you live in Silicon Valley where the only people dressed above casual are the service staff.