Sexy Fail: 15 Hilarious Halloween Costumes

Today I got a press release from Baci Lingerie, which is pushing their Dream line at the moment, right on time for Halloween. The Dream line features lingerie pieces women can employ for role-playing or wear to really, really sexy parties. That’s “really, really” — two notches above the base level (which, as you probably already know, is just sexy). The featured item in the collection was a nurse’s uniform, which was illustrated with images of a beautiful model in the nurse’s outfit surrounded by very busy-looking surgeons — all of whom are wearing the stuff you’d hope a doctor or nurse would wear in your operating room.

There is something delightfully creepy in the one image shot from the patient’s point-of-view, looking up at the nurse surrounded by surgeons, as she holds up a little cotton dabbed in blood, with a look on her face like you’ve done something wrong, and now you must be fixed. Immediately, I thought of this:

And, you know, I can roll with that because I’m a little creepy and that sort of thing strikes me as very charming. Mileage most certainly varies, but I think the current dictum of “sexy all the things!” has resulted in some rather universal what the fuck. This is a round-up of the weirdest sexifications in the name of Halloween costuming.

Babe (because nothing says sex appeal like a giant blue ox whose hoof-marks create lakes!), rooster (because cock! It’s like you don’t even have to try!), honey badger (nothing seduces like not giving a shit. Larvae sold separately!), killer whale (because nothing says sex like one of the most sophisticated hunters in Mammalia!) and the super sexytime Kermit.

Next up, a poodle (because an overzealous continental clip is hot?), squid (great flipping Cthulhu!), dinosaur (I don’t even), parrot, and the shark (please insert all Sharknado jokes here).

And last but not least, the tarantula (because if that’s not sex on a stick, I don’t even know what is! Am I right?), the elephant (I’m detecting a theme here with the enormous mammals), kangaroo (because there’s nothing like a jill with a pouch full of joey!), sea turtle, and Nemo (because a brave little clownfish is desire incarnate, I guess).

(I would have included the sexy mummy, but this is nothing new. In L.A., we just call it “my surgeon said to rest and not smoke, but I heard it was open bar, so.”)

I found it bizarre how many people sell skunk costumes. I counted as many bear costumes as I did skunks. Bear I understand — teddies and all — but skunks? Their names were variations of the phrase “stinking hot.” Is stench hot? Am I out of touch? Has covering sex jaded me to things that are actually hot, like sea turtles, and that “sandwich to fuck” Google keeps promising when it serves up my blog as a result for your search queries? THAT MUST BE IT.

I did actually discover a sexy costume that I thought was really great: Tux, the sultry kernel.