Yay! Now We Can Openly Objectify Men

Half a year ago, I decided to survey my exes to learn if there were areas I might improve in my quest to be a better partner. I devised a little survey, contacted them to see if they were interested in participating, and sent it off. Most of the men I asked to do this were incredulous. My friends thought I was nuts. No one else, it turned out, wanted to hear what their exes had to say. “There’s a reason they’re an ex!” I heard again and again. Almost every person I spoke with, male or female, found the idea of reviewing people as though they were restaurants on Yelp unacceptable. Rating an ex was somewhere between distasteful and dehumanizing — and this was only a response to my totally opt-in survey.

What I didn’t tell my friends was that this sort of thing already existed. My idea had actually been inspired by an app called Lulu that was making the rounds, purporting to give women their power back. I was curious about it, so I downloaded it immediately and jumped on. I never wrote about it because there wasn’t anything to say. Remember those quizzes on Sassy and Cosmopolitan? It’s like that. Which is to say, utterly useless.

Here’s how it works: you get the app, connect your Facebook account to Lulu (which verifies that you identify as female), run a search of your male-identified Facebook friends for the dude you want to review, find him, click “review” and then answer between four and seven multiple choice questions, which renders a score from 1 to 10 that gets seared into his profile for all time (or at least until he contacts Lulu and tells them to get his information off their site).

It’s clear that the cutesy little quizzes were each created to help pin-point how a guy ranks in various categories — appearance, humor, first kiss, manners, ambition, sex and commitment. The problem here is that these categories aren’t universal. I don’t care about first kisses or ambition (whatever that means). And I really don’t like that looks and hygiene are lumped under “appearance.” Where are the questions about his ability to hold conversations? About how he handles stress? About his openness to exploring new things? About what kind of communicator he is when troubleshooting issues?

The second problem is the type of questions used to gauge how a guy ranks in the selected categories. Silly would be the nicest thing one could say about them. Utterly asinine is more accurate. And if that weren’t enough, the answers seem attached to totally arbitrary values. See what I mean in the examples below — note that the answers go from least points to most points:

Currently together: When he makes jokes, I… a.) miss my ex-boyfriend, b.) pray nobody heard, c.) giggle, d.) laugh like a hyena, e.) choke on my sushi
Ex: His jokes were… a.) rare, thankfully, b.) low points in our relationship, c.) adorable in their way, d.) the best thing about him, e.) my Achilles’s heel!
Hookup: His jokes made me say… a.) where’s your muzzle? b.) awk-ward, c.) good try sport, d.) you’re a hoot, e.) f– me, funny man!

Together: The first kiss gave me… a.) nightmares, b.) second thoughts, c.) goosebumps, d.) a lady boner, e.) a mouth-gasm
Ex: After the first kiss he gave me, I looked for an excuse to… a.) call 911, b.) make a quick escape, c.) stay, d.) strip, e.) call in sick the next day (and the next)
Hookup: The first kiss he gave me was… a.) unforgettable… unfortunately, b.) like kissing a lizard, c.) pretty standard, d.) instant chemistry, e.) UNFORGETTABLE!

Together: If a lady is struggling with a stroller, he’ll… a.) say, “wow, what an ugly baby,” b.) push past her, c.) hang back, d.) ask if she needs help, e.) carry her stroller to the car and install the car seat.
Ex: He treated you like… a.) $#*T, b.) a dude, c.) his girl, d.) a lady, e.) his queen
Hookup: After you hook up, he might… a.) forget your name, b.) poke you on Facebook, c.) send a text, d.) call you, e.) send flowers

Together: In 10 years, he’ll be buying… a.) tube socks in bulk, b.) boxed wine on my birthday, c.) our first home, d.) a mansion for mom, e.) one of everything!
Ex: In 10 years, he’ll be telling time by… a.) asking if it’s 4:20 yet, b.) asking a random on the street, c.) looking at the clock in his cubicle, d.) checking his iPhone 8, e.) ignoring it — nothing starts without him, anyway!
Hookup: At 50, he’ll have…. a.) all his hair… if he’s lucky, b.) learned the hard way, c.) a perfectly nice life, d.) a lot to be proud of, e.) a supermodel wife, a Nobel Prize and one of everything

Together: Sex: All I can think is… a.) would it be rude to check my e-mail, b.) at least the snuggling is good, c.) attaboy!, d.) how can I repay you, e.) I’ll never need AAs again!
Ex: I think about sex with him… a.) when I need a good laugh, b.) when I’m trying not to cum too fast, c.) when I run into him, d.) when I’m nostalgic, e.) when I masturbate
Hookp: Sex: All I could think was: a.) where’s the UNDO button?, b.) at least he doesn’t waste time, c.) not bad for Round 1, d.) Be my man!, e.) I want to freeze time and live here

Together: When it comes to commitment, he’s… a.) a lost cause, b.) struggling, c.) settling down, d.) just where I want him, e.) picking out rings
Ex: He will commit… a.) when hell freezes over, b.) if she’s knocked up, c.) when he loves someone, d.) at the drop of a hat, e.) deeply and completely
Hookup: When it comes to commitment he’s… a.) seriously bad news, b.) a bit of a skeeze, c.) not totally hopeless, d.) better than most, e.) one in a million

Together: His looks are… a.) the reason we don’t go out in public much, b.) not why I love him… obvi, c.) boy-next-door adorbs, d.) mine all mine!, e.) so perfect I’ll overlook anything
Ex: His face made me want to … a.) close my eyes, b.) buy him Clearasil, c.) snap a pic, d.) kiss it, e.) sit on it
Hookup: When it comes to his looks… a.) I told no one, b.) how drunk was I? c.) cute enough for a night, d.) hot hot hot, e.) I made him my cellphone wallpaper

Basically, if you are not engaging in borderline pathological behavior toward him, the guy will never get a 10 no matter what kind of person he is. And don’t even get me started on how much this app reinforces the sort of thing I hate, like how a bright future for a guy is a Nobel and a bright future for a woman is being a model and marrying the guy who got a Nobel, or that ambition can be measured by money, or that commitment means putting a ring on it — how fucked up is it that thinking you and your guy are in the right place in terms of commitment somehow ranks lower than him going and picking out rings? Really? Do you really want to tell young women that it doesn’t matter what they feel, that a guy isn’t a Commitment 10 unless he’s picking out rings? I don’t even.

The hashtags show a definite bias as well. For example, a guy can be a little “nerdy” (#NerdyButILikeIt) but #Trekkie and #VideoGamer are tags reserved for the Worst Qualities section. #PornEducated and #StripClubVIP are the only references to adult entertainment — and they’re both under Worst Qualities. I’m guessing #PornEducated means he learned how to have sex from porn, and I think we can all agree that porn and other forms of adult entertainment (Fifty Shades trilogy, I’m looking at you) are not the best way to learn sex, but it’s annoying that there is no reference to adult entertainment among Best Qualities other than #ChristianGrey, which, seriously? Here are more examples from both:

Best qualities:
#StrongJaw #CharmedMyPantsOff #WillSeeRomComs #PerfectSquared #RespectsWomen #ChristianGrey #CalmAndCollected #OpensDoors #Big.Feet. #CleansUpGood #NotADick #HasADog #NerdyButILikeIt #GrillMaster #HandyMan #KissableLips #LoverNotAFighter #WritesLoveSongs #Trustworthy #Manscaped #Boy’sGotGame #Dimples #LifeOfTheParty #FinallySingle #PlayHouse #TallDarkAndHandsome #SixPack #SmellsAmazeballs #KinkyInTheRightWays #AlwaysPays #AlwaysHappy #FlowersJustBecause #Giving… #MakesMeLaugh #Man’sMan #Rebel #LadiesFirst #HotCar #SelfMadeMan #CaptainFun #LocalCeleb #HoldsHisLiquor #HeInventedSex #ManInUniform #WantsBebes #SweetToMom #GreatListener #SnuggleMachine #SweetThreads #CanBuildFires #WillHelpYouMove #GrowsHisOwnVegetables #CanTalkToMyDad #MyFriendsAreJealous #DudeCanCook #GreatHair #UnchartedTerritory #StrongHands #AmazingCuddles #SleepsInTheWetSpot #KigofDowntown #ForeignFox #OneOfTheGoodOnes #SexualPanther #BedroomEyes #DoesHisOwnLaundry #HopelessRomantic #LovesHisFamily #RemembersBirthdays #WillCarryYourLuggage #TeddyBear #EpicSmile #WorkEthic #HotFriends #DoesDishes #EnergizerBunny #Unicorn #GlobeTrotter #SilverFox #PantyDropper #WatchesSunsets #ThreeDayStubble #PerfectGrammar #BabyBlues #DancesLikeMJ #CleanBathroom #CuddlesAfter #4.0GPA #SexMoves #MothersLoveHim #MrDarcy #Movember #AInAnatomy #LovesBabies #Experienced… #PleaseF**kMeILoveYou #TrueFriend #LooksHotAllTheTime #OneWOmanMan #GlassHalfFull #WillActSilly #GreatDriver #Adventurous… #SkinLikeButta #DirtyTalkPro #BelievesInLove #MakesTheBed #Mysterious

Worst qualities:
#BestFriendsWithMyEx #50ShadesofF**kedUp #WearsEdHardy #PlaysDidgeridoo #PerfectForMySister #GoneByMorning #TotalF**kingDickhead #NothingBadAboutHim #SmokesLikeChimney #PornEducated #F**kedMeAndChuckedMe #RudeToWaiters #OneTrackMind #ForgotHisWallet #WanderingEye #CantTakeAHint #ShouldComeWithAWarning #ThatGuy #Doesn’tKnowIExist #AlmostTooPerfect #TrustFundBaby #ObsessedWithHisMom #Germaphobic #SelfAbsorbed #Mama’sBoy #FastFoodDiet #FartMachine #ADD #Meh #GlassHalfEmty #HotNCold #WorkInProgress #OnlyWearsFratTanks #SwearsLikeASailor #ProcreatedThenEvaporated #LovesMeNot #NoChemistry #Can’tBuildIkeaFurniture #ManChild #OwnsCrocs #HygenicallyChallenged #CheaperThaABigMac #TooCoolForSchool #Trekkie #StillLovesHisEx #AddictedToMirrors #TemperTrantrums #NoEdge #JekyllAndHyde #Doesn’tPlayNiceWithMyFriends #CrayCray #Boring #HitItAndQuitIt #World’sWorstMassages #StripClubVIP #NoStyle #420 #MeanToMyDog #NeverAsksQuestions #BitchyEyes #VideoGamer #DeathBreath #TribalTat #LiarLiarPantsOnFire #NeverSleepsOver #SketchyCallLog #AirGuitarist #LongNails #BurnsCornflakes #FriendZone #LivesInAPigpen #WaitingTillMarriage #BlockHisNumber #JustFriends #NoGoals #DrinksTheHaterade #Stage5Clinger #QuestionableSearchHistory #NotTheSharpestKnife #GetsInFights #CampusCreeper #LoserFriends #EDMGroupie #NeverRemembersme #NapoleonComplex

Anyone else notice that there is no reference at all to being intellectually stimulating or a good conversationalist? It’s almost like the app believes that the only things men are good for are opening doors, carrying luggage, paying for things, being amusing, being good to talk at, being good to look at, being good to have sex with and rushing to put rings on it. God help a man in a down economy — instant dismissal from the Lulu brigade! Also unacceptable is having any interests outside his woman — if he likes Star Trek or video games or Guitar Hero or electronic dance music, especially.

Anyone else think this is kind of gross? The New York Times doesn’t. On Wednesday, they ran a nice, long piece about how, basically, Lulu is empowering women. “Since it was started last year by Alexandra Chong, who has a law degree from the London School of Economics, the service has provided a sort of ‘Take Back the Internet’ moment for young women who have come of age in an era of revenge porn and anonymous, possibly ominous suitors,” writes Deborah Schoeneman.

“When you Google a guy, you don’t want to know if he voted Republican or what he wrote a paper about in college,” the site founder told her, basically acknowledging that a man’s interests don’t matter in the least, so long as he’s ready to become your groom-stuffing. Why should his interests matter, after all, when the founder herself believes Lulu has the power to “accomplish what generations of women have not been able to do: change the opposite sex.”

I’ve been writing about relationships for a long time, so let me impart something that will save everyone, male and female, a lot of time: trying to change someone to fit you is just an exercise in grief for everyone involved. Look for a partner whose values fit with yours. Compatibility is a lot more than two people wanting to get married some day and having two kids. While you don’t have to share interests, don’t ignore what your partner is into or assume you can make him or her give it up. Interests shape people and their choices. Expecting to be your partner’s number one interest now that you’re in his or her life is a recipe for disaster — and slightly pathological. Let one another have your own lives.

Oh, and don’t use Lulu.