Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell Creates Masturbation Frenzy

Masturbation is all over the news. In typical American fashion, the media has become obsessed with comments made two decades ago by Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell, a hardcore conservative who supports Creationism and abstinence-only education.

“The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery,” said O’Donnell in an old MTV documentary from the 90s. “You can’t masturbate without lust.”

Help! We’ve fallen into an Edith Wharton novel and we can’t get out!

OK, that was our joke.

Can we stop with the jokes and puns and pointless plotting to send candidates dildos now and get back to people’s political platforms? Thank you.