RealTouch: The Fleshlight Goes High-Tech

The holidays can be a brutal time for singles, people in long-distance situations, and the otherwise sensory deprived. Well, look no further, boys. Technology is your friend.

Introducing the RealTouch! A Fleshlight-like pleasure instrument that syncs up with your porn to provide you the sort of sensory experience you only dreamed about — until now!

I knew it was only a matter of time before technology took penile stimulation to the other side after watching Ron Jeremy’s One Eyed Monster (remember that red-headed geek’s ultimate weapon? Mmm, yes. And when we say “geek,” that’s not at all dismissive — Caleb, you’re smoking hot).

So get this: the RealTouch has a haptic encoder, you just plug the USB into your computer, log into your account at RealTouch.com and select from hundreds of scenes specifically coded to transmit the movements and sensations of your favorite porn stars’ goods to your dick. It’s not just squeezing though: it’s heat, wetness, friction and intensity. The ass will be tighter and hotter than the vagina. The hands will feel different than the action between the tits. Some girls are wetter than others — you name it, those boys in North Carolina have thought of it and coded appropriately.

All you have to do is stand there. Well, all you have to do is fork over $199.95, then just stand there.

How does this work? I think it’s better to embrace mystery, but if you insist: this perfect multi-talented machine brings you all the heavenly delights with a combination of conveyor belts, heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a tight seal. (And just FYI: the ever-growing library includes straight, gay, transexual and, for you supergeeks, anime pr0n).

I’ve never been sadder to not have a penis.

Problems: there is no available Mac version yet, and Gizmodo has reported technical issues with Windows 7. Basically, this is an XP and Vista plaything for now. But stay tuned.