I Want To Give Him A Tasty Surprise

In the Q&A section, your editrix takes a break from chasing headlines and having wild orgies to sit down and brainstorm solutions to your issues.* Have your own question? Write us!

Dear A.V.,

Have you ever shown up at a man’s place wearing dessert or concocted some elaborate scheme to integrate a tasty scenario into the evening? It’s my last night in town and I want to do something with the man I’ve been seeing that neither one of us will soon forget.

Sincerely,
Out With A Bang

There is a saying that is never too far from my mind whenever I begin planning a sexy surprise: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. This saying was perfectly illustrated one day when I decided to surprise the guy I was dating with a little late night dessert.

Knowing he would be working until late, I decided to show up early to prepare his apartment for the grand event. Breaking in was no easy feat and even now, I’m a little distraught by how little thought I gave to the fact that I was actively intruding into the personal space of another human being without the slightest concern as to how this may affect or inconvenience him. I am going to chalk it up to being young and entitled.

In any event, I broke into his place like a ninja in the night, cleaned up after him so the space met my slightly obsessive-compulsive standards of living, and as the hour fast approached, showered and covered myself in whipped cream. Converted into a veritable dessert, I waited.

And waited. And then, I waited more.

Because he didn’t know anything about the surprise, the guy who now had a living dessert waiting on his bed saw no reason to refuse the invitation of his friends to go out drinking with them after work. And because I was never very good at waiting, the living dessert on his bed soon fell asleep.

I woke up hours later not only to his face, but the faces of his friends, who had come back to his studio to keep on partying. Rather than appreciation, their faces were contorted with something between amusement and disgust — the whipped cream, you see, had melted from the continued exposure to my body heat, floating from my angular frame and straight into the bed, which now exuded the unmistakable stench of dairy left out just a little too long.

Needless to say, nothing sexy came of this.

Which is not to say that you shouldn’t try to integrate surprises into your relationships. Just keep in mind, when so doing, that life rarely goes as planned. As a rule of thumb, it’s never a bad idea to let the person know that you have something planned so that they know when to expect you.

And make sure you don’t coat yourself in anything perishable until the other person is there and ready to lick it off.

* Our attorneys want me to reiterate that I’m not an expert and all suggestions given are to be taken with the same level of caution that you would take those given by a friend who has nothing but her own experience on which to base her candid responses.

This article originally appeared as a post on Google+. Header image by Tarja Ryhannen Mitrovic.